May Jack Fight That Cracken Well!

Torn sails. Eye patches. Gruff beards. Rum. Parrots- no parrots. You know what I'm talking about:
Pirates of the Carib. 3
(I use Carib. because I don't know how to spell the whole word... my life is shameful... I know.).

YARGH! So this pirate movie is coming out tonight I believe... or like tomorrow at 12am? Whatever. The point is that somehow Captain Jack Sparrow kicks the shit out of an eighty story octopus overlord monster.
W H A T ?
YARGH! Don't get me wrong, I don't love the pirate trilogy, but I don't hate it either. I find each movie to be entertaining and overall good... but I typically can't remember the plot of any of them two weeks after I see it. But seriously... How does he do that!?
YARGH! The CRACKEN. That's not like a Korean squid or like a velociraptor. Its a freaking GIGANTIC OCTOPUS MONSTER! I don't care if the captain is undead or whatever. In the history of the universe, the only way to escape a giant monster thing that eats people whole is to don some Fett armor and get made elite ninja skillz. And everyone knows pirates are the antithesis of ninjae.
YARGH! So how does he do it? I'm planning on seeing the film tomorrow, but I'll tell you the only way he can do it (and if the film says otherwise... then we'll all know that this is truly a horrible film and the entire trilogy will be ruined. Knowing the captain though... he'll prolly be like 'mehitdosntrilycumuptotoomuchofallthatnstuffpuffanyway bah higgy.' or something equally incorrigible... wow wrong word completely... i mean ill... i... well hard to understand. Whatever that word is).

Recap: Pirates 2 ended with the captain standing alone on a ship sinking into a whirlpool going undead mano a slimy monster tentacle. Jack vs Cracken... actually as I said earlier, I don't recall the plot of any of the films at all... so I don't know how the film ended... or if there was a whirlpool- but for my argument, the scene I have just created is true.
BATTLE: The battle begins with the blood thirsty Cracken going all out with four tentacles straight for the captains throat! The captain flips back easily dodging the slimy fallices. As the boards of the boat explode upward, bringing with them a torrent of dirty pirate water, the captain hacks and slashes cutting a huge gash into one of the tentacles. The Cracken withdraws its oozing appendage, flailing it around uselessly, thick, dark blood bubbles out of the gash, raining down on the beasts gaping maw.
From here on, the Cracken attacks cautiously. The tentacles dart and jab at the captain. But the pirate is lighting fast on his feet. The tentacles break away at rotting wood. But a sharp breath breaks across the captain's lips. The ship is flooding with water! The whirlpool begins tearing the hull apart right below the captains swashbuckles!
But this is the captain. He aint no bitch.
Grabbing his sword between his teeth (in that cool pirate way) the captain runs forward. Tentacles come crashing down around him like meteors crashing down on pavement in the apoclypse of 2013! Water splashes across his cringing face and wood blanks shatter off his muscles.
He lunges!
Air
The Cracken's jaws slam tight. A sharp crack that echoes across the empty tundra of the ocean.
The whirlpool slows to a steady bathtub wish-wash. wish-wash. The Cracken sinks to the rocky ocean floor to nurse its wound and digest the undead pirate. BUT THERE WILL BE NO DIGESTION! Inside the Cracken's stacked bowels the captain is plainly alive. He bites and tears at the inner lining of the Cracken's tissue. Ripping the massive poo-tunnel to shreds. Blood, puss, chewed pirates, and the captain are flushed into the Cracken's inside space. The giant beast rumbles and stutters at the ocean floor. Its entire body shivers like ebola. It groans a groan even Davy Jones wasn't aware existed. The excrutiating pain continues and the Cracken realizes it has lost. As blood billows from the giant beast's eyes, mouth, and pores, it surrenders to the captain. With one final bite, the Cracken's thick, cepholapod skin tear open.
Millions of tons of water pressure slam the popped monster. Its beak crumbles as the captain launches himself to the surface. The water beats at his face, strangling his throat - but he is underwater: He wasn't trying to breath. His pirate legs pump and kick as green and crimson crud erupts from the Cracken's open wound, poisining what whales and shark-fish are unlucky enough to swim in such epic liquids.
The ocean. It expands forever in every direction. For as long as any eagle eye can see there is no land. No trace of soil or green. There is only blue sky, white clouds, and dark water.
The captain erupts from the water's surface! Like a greate white shark seeking sea faring birds, the captain launches his soaking body forty feet into the air. And sinks back into the rocky ocean so perfectly, even the waves bow to him.

That is the true ending and middle part of Pirates 2. Anything else that happens to any of the other characters at that time is completely irrelevant when put in comparison to the epicness of the battle between the captain and the Cracken.
So, get ready to see Jack kick some more ass. Maybe the king of the pumpkin patch might show up. And they can have a jack-off!
HO!!!! I didn't even mean for that to happen! That just proves how amazing it will be!

-TECK