Friday, March 23, 2007
In the words of Alex DeLarge, In N Out refers to sex.
As a native of the Boston area, I was obviously surprised and yet somewhat pleased when my parents told me they’d be moving to San Diego. What could possibly be bad about going to a place where when it hits 60 people put on winter coats and a “bad day” is when fog makes the sky a dull gray? Compared to the pot-holed 16th century streets of Bostonia San Diego is pretty much paradise.
However, paradise apparently comes at a price.
All Americans know the greatness of fast food. The ability to walk into a dining establishment and get yourself a full meal of purely artificial food for a portion of what you carry around in your wallet. Obviously one of the greatest advances in 20th century science and the realization of the American dream.
Now, considering that California isn’t really part of the United States of America (different diets, different outlooks, different sports, a whole lot more Mexicans, and its all ruled by an undercover clone sent from the future), it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a Californian fast food restaurant is an abomination of life. First I will give an explanation of the typical fast food burger which we have all come to understand and appreciate.
1) PURELY ARTIFICIAL
Everyone knows the incredibly burdens that are put on fast food chains to righteously curb world hunger while still passing food regulation laws (which are a *little* biased, but that’s a different argument). Naturally, these companies have turned to the only option they have to help humanity: artificial food. Why should poor innocent cattle, chicken, and vegetables die for our greedy need to feed and gorge ourselves on ridiculously low priced delectables? Who are we, as fellow sufferers living on this blue ball, to say ‘Nay! Ye shall not partake in life’s joys! Never again shall you feel the rays of the sun, the laughter of the wind, nor the harsh slap of rain! You there! Insignificant vermin of who holds delicious innards! It is now your time to die for my own gain so I may return to my cardboard cubicle and continue turning the great gears that are capitalism!’ How can humanity be expected to commit such atrocities against the very nature that gave us our sentience? On top of that, with recent diseases such as Mad Cow Disease and Avian Flu, who wants to risk eating live meat anyway?
Luckily, we not longer live in a world where people bath in water which was used to clean the muddied clothes of other people. Now, with our 21st century technologies, food pumped with all the vitamins and nutrients we need to operate at a full 100% throughout the day can be made synthetically in factories that also add addictives that make the food all the more delicious. KFC has already taken amazing strides in this by developing its own super-chicken with less feathers, no beak, tastier flesh, etc. to ensure the customer a more delicious, mass-produced meal.
2) EASABILITY
The whole point of fast food is that it is fast. Thus FAST food. So, fast food should be presented in away that is easy to order, easy to make, and easy to eat. There are very easy ways to do this, which, before coming to San Diego, I thought all fast food establishments followed with a religious adherence. First, when ordering, customers are met with a HUGE menu posted above the employees (thus giving the customer a reason to avoid eye contact), which presents the names of all the items on the menu, as well as a picture explaining what is in the item for those who may not know. Second, while eating, the food should make the travel from table / lap / hand to mouth in a fluid motion and not fall apart on the way there. Now I’ll focus on hamburgers, because the hamburger is the poster boy of the fast food revolution. A fast food hamburger should have enough grease on it to taste good and help slide the reprocessed cardboard down the customer’s esophagus. Next, it should be about 1.5 inches high so as to fit in the mouth without putting the customer through unnecessary pain stretching their mouth like a snake to eat the burger.
Similarly, the smaller foods such as French fries and chicken tenders / nuggets should be placed in their food containers in such a way to fill the container, but not be overflowing. Now that I’ve established what is normal in the grand world of fast food, I will start by explaining the Californian burger, then go into the deceitful evil world that is “In N Out Burger.”
1) REAL MEAT
What can I say? The Burgers are delicious…
2) EASABILITY
Californian burgers get an amazing ZERO when it comes to easability. First off, the hamburger is at least 2 inches high. 2 INCHES! The only way I could imagine this kind of burger being eaten would be if you wip out a Burger King Eat-Like-Snake style unhinge-jaw move. Which is BAD. Second, the Californian burger is smothered in some kind of super slippery substance that makes the meat and other innards spill out of the hamburger. To combat this, the Californian burger is served in a paper wrap. … When you have to serve your food in a paper wrap for it to be eaten, you should just stop making food.
3) CALIFORNIAN DIET
From what I’ve heard this next one is due to the crazy diets people adhere to in the Nation of California led by Fuehrer Schwarzenegger. First off, the burgers come with no pickles and no onions. The pickles gets me going because pickle slices are delicious, but the onions… I’m cool with the no onions part, I would rather not eat the entire vegetable… Are onions even vegetables? I think I’ll classify them as Earth Feces for now. Instead of the nice onion cubes that we get in normal fast food burgers, you are given an entire slice of the Earth fece! Who wants to eat that!? Maybe the reason no one orders their burger with onions, is because you have far too much onion! Anyways, here’s the unexpected part: No Ketchup. …wtf?
Since I now begin my rant against In N Out Burger, I will use this ketchup as a segway into deconstructing the lies this establishment has made for itself and its brainwashed army of followers.
The other day I foolishly decided to return to the horride place known only as In N Out Burger, which is an abbreviation for; In Out In Out, Time To Rape Your Mouth Burger Place. This time, however, I asked for ketchup. The man taking my order (who was standing outside, in the drive thru line, with a futuristic notepad thing that little kid was using in Robocop to teach himself –herself?- calculus before that giant robot demolished his/her house) asked me if I wanted ketchup INSTEAD of the special sauce… because apparently ketchup is just as secret an option as THEIR ENTIRE MENU!
If you’re a little confused right now, so am I. Figure INNOUTSUX
shows the entire In N Out Burger menu. Yes. There are only three things on the menu. The first time I visited this restaurant I realized that either Californians are as stupid as everyone says, or there’s something much deeper going on here. Right now, I’m sticking to both.To order a meal from In N Out you have to enter the restaurant, which isn’t actually a restaurant, but a portal into the 1960s. After warping into that horrible time that bore this abomination of a restaurant, you walk up to the employee taking your order who is somehow ALWAYS happy to see you. Using some kind of ancient Californese, you then order something that is not on the menu. That’s right, all their real food is not on the menu. Cheese fries, low-carb, animal style, three of four or even more layers of meat... Basically, you have to be some kind of ninja to order anything from In N Out.
I’ve kind of had enough with In N Out, and California’s addiction with In N Out, so I started to do some research on this horrid place. My research took me straight to the In N Out headquarters in Tijuana Mexico. Sound sketchy? It is. If it wasn’t for my advanced training in parkour I’m sure I’d be dead right now. Now, what follows is not exactly safe information to know. But, if you value your freedom, if you value the safety of your children, and your children’s children, and their children after them, then I suggest you read on. However, before going further, know that learning this highly classified information will put your own life at great risk. I’ve brought it up to some native Californites and all of them refute these facts. These poor brainwashed souls can not be trusted.
Everyone says how great the benefits of In N Out are. The basic drone worker is payed 10 dollars an hour and store managers make 100,000 a year. Pretty good. But I’ve heard that the mafia has great benefits as well. M13 anyone? Also, where does In N Out get the money to pay their workers so much. The only reason other companies have had their success is by opening up ridiculous amounts of stores and paying their workers next to nothing. This just further proves my brainwashing point, which will only be strengthened later on.
In N Out is obviously a cult. Every establishment is marked with two palm trees making a giant X. If that doesn’t scream cult than I don’t know what does. The X lets cult members know where a local bunker is. Being an outsider I wasn’t able to sneak my way into one of these, but I’m pretty sure there are one or two secret doors in every In N Out that leads to an underground training facility. In these facilities workers are trained to somehow always be happy at all times of the day, as well as convert followers to their evil cause. Naturally, these facilities also create weapons the In N Out management will give to their infantry when the Great Empire of California, lead by Fuehrer Schwarzenegger succeeds from the USA and steadily conquers the world in a series of blitz’s.
Other people visiting In N Out for the first time may notice that the food takes a pretty long time to come out. Californites say this is due to the fact that the food is real and made to order. However, the real reason is that the food is being packed full of mind controlling nanobots. Basically, the Californites travel to In N Out, eat the food, get infested by nanobots, but, due to the addictives pumped into the meat return, thus ingesting more nanobots. Once they reach the critical point their brain slowly deteriorates, being replaced by nanobots. If you think I’m lying I’ve been intercepting various piping tubes from neighboring houses, as well as my own. In all of them my research found high amounts of metals that shouldn’t be in the human digestive system – because they’re nanobots! My guess is that the nanobots completely control their host, making them a sleeper cell that will strike when they are activated by an audio code. If this sounds far fetched, then why does the In N Out management put the secret codes on the bottom of their food packaging? They are not references to biblical quotes, they are the codes!
Its basically the same as Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Where the people you trust are, overnight, completely transformed into an invading army rivaling the might of the Irken Empire.
So be careful people. You’re best friend may simply be waiting for the day to pry your mouth open and dunk an entire vat of special sauce down your gaping throat hole.
Teck
posted by TecknoZ at 7:09 PM
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