~This post is long, but totally worth it~
Transformers. Like all of the poor souls in my subculture’s generation, this word instantly triggers a wave of euphoric memories. My group caught the tail end of the 80’s snare drum, the first anime explosion, the original Nintendo Entertainment System, and probably some kind of crazy snack foods. Although we were only able to see these great things falling just out of reach of our small, dirty, toddler hands, a glimpse was more than enough. Giant robots beating the crap out of each other is the only things little boys want to see. Unlike rival shows like GI Joe, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which wasn’t really a rival ‘cuz it came out a lot later), The Transformers was actually able to show character dismemberment. Because they’re only robots. They aren’t ALIVE. But oh how wrong the adults where… These hunks of metal are more alive to us than all of the other late 80’s cartoon characters combined.
If you haven’t realized it yet, The Transformers basically fueled my childhood. I can’t even count how many times I’ve watched the ’87 animated movie that killed at least 75% of the original transformers that we had grown to love to make room for a new set of toys featuring the sleak Galvatron and Rodimus Prime. With this in mind, its important to note that no Transformers incarnation since G2 has done justice to the eternal Autobot-Decepticon war that became the center of my childhood. Beast Wars was neat, but the late 90’s were ravaged by angry housewives and suddenly the transformers lost their ability to bleed and have limbs shatter. Beast Machines curbed some of the humor Beast Wars added to the series but was too slow and had a whopping whole 7 characters! Since Beast Machines the franchise has been in a freefall drop with shows like Transformers Energon: Gotta Catch ‘Em All. Because of the hideous abomination of everything that was golden to my childhood, I approached Transformers with more hesitation than Spike going fist to metal fist with Frenzy. Basically, this movie is the pinnacle point in the Transformers franchise that will decide if the robots truly are rusted, or if there is more than meats the eye to our old, battered friends.
The previews started rolling and already things were off. The first preview I noticed was this movie where everyone started acting weird. When someone said ‘it affects you in the first phase of REM sleep’ I realized that the preview was for ANOTHER Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake. W T F. The first one was AMAZING. There doesn’t need to be any more. Just give it a rest. The next film was a movie without a title. Great way to get audiences to remember it. Its by JJ Abrams and I’d research some of it right now but I wanna finish writing this… then go watch some original Transformers on my computer. So this preview I found to be really cool. Sure the handheld camera to not look like a big budget movie thing has become kinda cliché since the Blair Witch Project, but this actually looked pretty cool. And in case anyone’s wondering what was causing all those explosions, it was obviously Godzilla (why else would they have been talking about Japan right before stuff started exploding?).
The movie finally started and it started in a kinda weak way for a great film, but typical of a summer blockbuster. Its Optimus Prime’s voice telling us about this cube called the AllSpark that started life on Cybertron until it got lost in the war or something and ended up on Earth etc etc … Then it cuts to a helicopter robot absolutely tearing through a US Army base in Iraq. Within the first 5 minutes theres tanks and jets exploding left and right. Maybe not as good as the robot carnage in the first half hour of The Transformers Movie, but still a good sign. The movie then cuts to Shea LeBouf (who would have ever thought Even Stevens would produce such a mastermind actor?) and his child to man story begins in what becomes an incredibly epic two and a half hours.
This movie is giving Transformers the second chance it so seriously deserves. It’s filled with a ridiculous amount of references to the original G1 cartoon (like the new bumblebee being sold next to a yellow VW Bug, ‘one shall stand one shall fall,’ and ‘I think there’s more than meats the eye to you’). But don’t expect it to be the Autobots and Decepticons fighting to get to the spacebridge to bring energon up to Soundwave. ‘Robots In Disguise’ is in full blast now that the Transformers can literally take any mechanical shape, which kinda makes you start questioning if your keyboard will suddenly spring to life… slicing off all your fingers so you’ll never be able to type again… Sorry, I just had to get a tazer in case that actually happens.
Of course, the new Transformers has taken its toll on the series. There are only about 8 or 9 ‘bots in this movie (one of which completely disappears after its hilariously ridiculous scene), so there isn’t the kind of mass carnage G1 fans are used to… although the little carnage that is shown tops almost all of 300 on its own (decapitation and body tearing… sooooo beautiful). There are also some big character changes that I personally found terrible and have already realized a ton of people are taking the wrong way.
First off there’s this big deal with Jazz, saying that he’s the ‘black’ transformer. In G1 Jazz was the spec ops commander and was always cool, which, if anyone remembers anything about Jazz, will always remember his cool attitude matched by a smooth voice and ice blue shades. And then there was Blaster (the red and orange Autobot tape player) who was down with everything that was hip (while inside a turret shooting Decepticons attacking Autobot city, Blaster gets a hit and says, “look out and shout! OWE!” Suddenly, Perceptor enters the turret, telling Blaster to send a message to Optimus on one of the Cybertron moon bases. Blaster responds by saying “Heavy on the receptors, preceptor.” When Frenzy, Ravage, and the other Soundwave tape’s get into the turret, Blaster stands up saying “No way! Two can play! SICKEM!” (and then his little humanoid guy shoots Ravage which is an absolutely hilarious image)) and, would now-a-days be down with the ebonics and R&B.
In the film, there is no Blaster, but instead there is this breakdancing down-with-the-get-down dark grey robot tagged with the name Jazz. Which I personally find absolutely retarded. But basically, he sounds black, he acts black, and supposedly he gets the black syndrome in the film… even though he doesn’t at all.
The etch-a-sketch looking Ironhide is redone into a completely insane genocide loving freak. With no southern accent. Which is a let down.
But the biggest let down of all is Optimus Prime.
Optimus Prime is more of a leader than any other cartoon character I can think of. No, not even cartoon. In all of history there has never been a leader filled with the honor, strength, courage, and love of life who can rival that of Optimus Prime. He’s always able to take down the baddies, even single-handedly if he has to. He gives everyone a second chance, even when you know Megatron’s just gonna shoot him in the back first chance he gets. And he just kicks ass. In this film all of this is taken from the character and replaced by a slightly self-concerned short man with a mouth who is more concerned about the success of his mission than the life of his closest soldiers. The worst moment of the whole film was near the end, when Optimus, holding the lower half of the fallen Jazz says something along the lines of, “Jazz was a good soldier. He will be missed. But we made a lot of new friends! Let’s not go back to Cybertron and just watch as kids make out on top of bumblebee!”
All in all this movie kicked ass. It was totally a summer blockbuster that didn’t sell out the great name of Transformers. A lot of people complain about too much motion, but I only felt that about the first robot fight… then again I watch a lot of high paced action sequences so I’m prolly a bad judge.
This movie was also plugged with a valiant effort in trying to bring back Ebay. Which I found awesome because Ebay’s great for making money. Basically, if you want your junk-car to be a kick ass robot that will just tear stuff up, you need 4 grand and an ebay account.
See this.
-Teck
